>> STATUS UPDATE >>

While undertaking a promising search of a supposed terrorist stronghold, all biomonitors and location transponders of OSAMA WATCH personnel flatlined and went offline. Radio contact with Osama Watch personnel was also lost.

Unusual aspects of this situation include:

- Lack of report of terrorist activity before the sudden disappearance of the task force.
- Simultaneous flatlining of all biomonitors and location transponders.
- No bullet casings, blood stains, or corpses were retrieved in a subsequent recovery mission.
- An unidentified aircraft exiting the area demonstrating abnormally high acceleration, velocity, and maneuvering capabilities, before disappearing off the radar screen.

OSAMA WATCH personnel presumed KIA.


>>> Release [cover story] OSAMAWATCH_AWOL
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Done.

>>> Purge [file] OSAMAWATCH
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Done.

>>> Terminate [program] OSAMAWATCH
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...
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Done.

Unclassified Documentation

A moonlit stroll with our guides and interpreters.













Horse riding, cars aren't too effective.













Forward Mobile Outpost, had to leave it behind because of the treacherous terrain.














Marching along the hills

Strike One

Back from our recent expedition into the heart of Afghanistan.
All we managed to do was to confirm that Osama is STILL the world's best Hide-and-Seek player. We tried every trick in the book, but couldn't get that slippery bastard to come out.

On the plus side, here's what we've learned:

Don't:
- Eat pork in front of your guides. Especially if your guides are Muslim and are armed.

- Get drunk and light a massive bonfire while in the middle of Taliban-held territory.

- Start shooting into the air while dancing around said bonfire.

- Shoot every moving object wearing a turban.

Information Found

After a few days of intense searching, we have finally found a lead.
Had to purchase some magic beans and promise to raise our children in the way of Mohammed, but I believe it's worth it.


Map 1














Map 2

















Map 3

Nothing

Still gathering info.
Much more difficult than I expected.
Interrogating every bearded guy we see and asking door-to-door is not very effective.
Taliban know we are here. ISAF compound is getting hammered every night.
Have yet to find maps of Osama's location just lying on the ground. There goes plan A.

Planning to take down a Taliban stronghold soon.
Hopefully we can "convince" them to tell us where Osama is.

Gathering Data

After an indepth questioning of every bearded man we met on the streets, we finally got somewhere. One source claims that Osama is hiding in the caves up in the mountains. Which mountain, he said, was irrelevant, as Osama supposedly had the power to vanish and reappear at a totally differnt location at will. We put that bit of info down as opium induced bullshit and set about planning our incursion into the mountains.

Of course, quite a bit of our mission will be swing and miss. There's as many caves as there are plot holes in Dan Brown novels, so we'll just have to persevere and trudge forth. Also, all our intense questioning for Osama's whereabouts may have been a slightly bad idea. Now, every Taliban agent in Kabul knows that the big boys are here to play, and are probably making excellent time on their camels to inform Osama that the challengers are here. Maybe I should consider my actions BEFORE I act... Nah.


Rhys [Staffie] interrogating a local, while Katie is offscreen, playing good cop.















Also, I think I should have reconsidered my decision to bring along our Boat Assault Division. Seems there isn't too much water in Afghanistan. Damn. They'll be chilling in Kabul while we find Osama.

Unclassified Documentation

Typical load of OSAMA WATCH personnel while on patrol.



















Fire Teams Alpha, Bravo, and Charlie with locally recruited guides and translators.














Operations Officer Shawn [MasterChef] showing the ISAF the true meaning of "badassery".

Sunny Afghanistan

Arrived in Kabul today, spent most of the day unpacking our gear and setting up our Command and Control Centre. We really couldn't be bothered to set up our own defences, so we bluffed our way into the ISAF secure zone and stuck up our tents. Hopefully this incompetent ragtag crew of international soldiers will present some kind of challenge to any insurgents trying to storm their way in.. but I doubt it. Transcript of earlier conversation I overheard at the entrance between a Canadian guard and a native..

Guard: Identification?
Native: Me no Taliban.
Guard: Are you sure?
Native: Me no Taliban. No shoot please good UN.
Guard: Do you have any weapons on your person?
Native: No no no AK47 no no no RPG no no no bomb.
Guard: Carry on sir.

*Gulp* But hey, what do you expect from the Canadians?

We'll be doing some surveillance on potential high ranking members of the Taliban who are operating in Kabul, and hopefully find information about Osama's whereabouts and his defence status.

Armoured Grand Prix

Take a bunch of Stryker Armoured Combat Vehicles and Rapid Assault Vehicles.

Allocate each vehicle to a testosterone filled killing machine (aka OSAMA WATCH member).

Place this combination on one end of the autobahn.

Agree upon a finish line.

Decide on the reward for winning.

DRIVE!!!


The crew spent much of the morning inspecting the newly delivered Strykers, RAVs, and heavy weaponry. Transport Officer Alex, being the speed-seeking car-crazed demon that he is, cheekily suggested a run on the autobahn to "test" the working conditions of our vehicles. Of course, being OSAMA WATCH, the crew immediately tossed away what self restraint and professionalism that ever existed and jumped on board.

Of course, I wasn't too happy with this development, but you just don't seem to be able to say "no" to a bunch of trigger happy fools with a veritable convoy of armoured combat vehicles.

Despite slight issues such as the deployment of Germany's police and military units, roadblocks, angry German officials and one flipped Stryker, the crew had a great day. As did I.

Pictured below: Rapid Assault Vehicle to be used in the 'ghan. Oboe (Alex) is driving, MasterChef (Shawn) is riding shotgun, and Katie (Tom) is on the grenade launcher.

Farewell La Belle Paris

These last few days in Paris have really been a treat. The gents all needed some R&R after the Egyptian mess and the Algerian incident. I need all the guys at tip top performance for our venture into the 'ghan.

They say that "God loved the Muslims; he gave them the Koran. But He loved the French more; he gave them Paris", and I wholeheartedly agree with whoever said that. Whoever it was, I'm sure they had a smashing time in Paris, then got kidnapped, brutally tortured and graphically executed by the same Muslims he mentioned. Well, that's what you get for saying that God loves the French. Damn French. Damn cheese-eating surrender monkeys. But by God, Paris was lovely.


Well, OSAMA WATCH is en route to Germany. We leave behind the romantic city of Paris in exchange for the cold and efficient capital of Germany. It's interesting to note that in the Cold War, East Germany was allied with the Soviets, who also happened to invade Afghanistan in the 1990's for whatever crazy vodka-induced hallucinations the Russkies dreamed of. Coincidence? I think not... Actually, scratch that. I'm just being stupid.

Hopefully our Strykers, Rapid Assault Vehicles, and heavy weaponry are ready to go. Before we leave I'm sure we'll "test drive" our wheels on the autobahn.